Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
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[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.