Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
You Might Also Like
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here: