Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
You Might Also Like
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.