With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
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inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?