For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
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My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call