Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
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(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
barbara was highly relatable
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.