Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
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Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
*jingles half the way*
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?