Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
You Might Also Like
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Life cycle of cat
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
My love language is deader than Latin
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?