I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
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[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…