You Might Also Like
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Grandmother clock.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
remember
only for emergencies
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?