In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
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Always a metermaid never a meter
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me