Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
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INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.