Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
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him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
😆this is so true
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.