I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
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People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
prepare for carbonated trouble
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Just had my nails done!
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”