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Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Monday
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
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[jesus whistles innocently]