Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
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Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
WHY?!
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Harsh but fair
OMG 🤣🤣
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.