GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
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A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Imma just leave this here…………
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.