I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
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Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
They grow up so quick
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.