REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
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When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Dietest Coke
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I will never stop laughing at this
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs