[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
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You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you