Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
You Might Also Like
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
He’s dead
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.