Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
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Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it