Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
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If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I get distracted pretty eas
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit