The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
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Hilarious if literal: arms race
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.