I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
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Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.