God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
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There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
You got this…
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.