Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
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“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees