Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
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3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
hmm conte-me mais
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
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Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey