A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
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If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.