Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
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Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
this has to be peak English
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
The “baby” on the left….
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?