last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
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I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too