cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
You Might Also Like
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
handsome & gretel
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.