im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
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Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.