Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
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Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?