Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
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I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”