I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
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Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
THIS HEADLINE
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER