I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
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Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
I triple waxed for this?
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”