Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
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Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.