What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
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I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick