90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
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Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
You are what you delete.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday