I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
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Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.