If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
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me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Goodnight 🐶
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake