People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
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The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker