I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
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My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
just got my engagement photos