On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
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get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
6: are snakes just neck?
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
This is the one
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.