Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
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hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
LOOOOOOL
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.