ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
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My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry