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man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
tourist season
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife