Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
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cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.