We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
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How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.